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[SIZE=3][FONT=verdana]It was actually in August, 1964, when I got my first experience with dick and the moment in time when my life would be changed forever. I've written here about that moment and how it all went down and without any shame or regret and, yes, if I could go back to that moment and do it over, I wouldn't change a thing.[/FONT]

[FONT=verdana]I've spent 56 years thinking about the morality of it; 56 years digging into why humanity is the way it is about males having sex with other males and I've learned so much and continue to do so. I've spent 56 years sucking dick, swallowing sperm, getting it pumped into my ass and, of course, doing the same thing with other guys; I've been "used and abused" and I've even been raped by a guy although, yeah, I didn't like the way I stupidly fell into his trap but I had to admit that the sex, all by itself, was very good - but I still tried to kill him anyway.[/FONT]

[FONT=verdana]I've spent 56 years finding out [/FONT][B]everything[/B][FONT=verdana] there is to find out about this; I've learned by doing and I've learned from others who, like me, discovered what sex can really be like and that it just isn't a thing to be done between men and women and as a singular way to do things. I've dived into the science of it; the psychology of it; I know stuff about this and I've seen and experienced the reality of it. I've experienced the joy of it and I've experienced the bad parts when it comes to being subjected to another man's lust. I know what society at large thinks about this and I know that what they think is wrong... and it's always been wrong... and we aren't as smart or as enlightened as we believe ourselves to be.[/FONT]

[FONT=verdana]I've spent 56 years always wondering if I've been doing the right thing for myself in this and, for 56 years, I keep coming up with the same answer: Yes. Unequivocally, undoubtedly, yes. Can't even imagine what it's like to not be the way I've been over all this time. And I've spent 56 years watching other people struggle with sex and sexuality... and I understand why they struggle.[/FONT][/SIZE]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I often think about the choices I've made over all these years. I don't regret any of them but I do acknowledge that I could have made better choices, you know, if I knew then what I know now but the fact remains is that I didn't know then what I know now and recognize that the best I could do - and the best I did - was to make the best choices I could with the information I had to work with.

Like introducing my son-in-law to cock sucking. I don't regret it one bit and I never will... but in that retrospective way, was it really the best choice to give him the experience he asked for? And then understanding that second-guessing myself really and truly serves no purpose since once it's done, it can never be undone. I could act like it never happened but I'm not a fan of lying to myself; if I can't be real with myself, I can't be real with anyone else.

Or caving in to my brother the way I did. Again, no regrets whatsoever about it but did I really make the best choice or made the choice for what could be considered the "wrong" reason - to get him to stop bothering the shit out of me about it? Or playing that silly "master/slave" game with my cousin which drove me crazy; did I really make the best possible choice by playing along or would the better choice have been telling him straight up that we can do this as long as we're not playing any game about it?

That and so many of the possible choices and their outcomes will never, ever be known... so I really don't do a lot of fretting over the choices I've made, nor will I give any future choices I may make too much weight. I'm either gonna get some dick... or I'm not going to and the choice not to may be a good one... or it might not be. The one and only choice that really remains is the one I made to get some dick and whenever I can and pretty much from whoever I can get it from and with as few caveats and conditions as I can manage to put in the way of being able to do this.

Because at the end of any day, this is all about me doing what I have to do in order to take care of my sexual needs and the choices are simple: Do... or do not... and then have no regrets no matter what choice I made. I choose to keep it simple: Be old enough to consent to sex; be clean and healthy enough to have sex; don't be the kind of guy I would rather punch in the face or otherwise be pissed off about or find reason not to like enough to want to have sex with you. For me, this is simple... but the choices other men make do tends to complicate the simplicity of my choices... and there's nothing I can do about that.

And nothing I want to do about that. I just wanna suck some cock, swallow some sperm, and be happy doing it and I'd be even happier if/when the other guy sucks my sperm out of me, too. Sometimes I wanna fuck and be fucked but that's... complicated and the way my life is calling for these days is for more simplicity than complications; I don't have the patience for all that "top/bottom" stuff or any of the other complicated stuff that only serves to make me lose out where my choice to be a voracious cock sucker is concerned. I can do it all and I have done it all... it's just that I choose not to do it all unless I want to. It's easier to convince a guy that us blowing each other is a fun thing to do... a bit more complicated to convince him that our efforts would be better served by poking each other in the ass and busting a nut that way.

I choose to make it easy for me to suck your dick... but I long since recognized and accepted that I can't do shit about the choices other men make for themselves. It's not my fault that a lot of guys make something as "simple" as a blow job harder than it has to be and if I were to have one wish in any of this, it would be for men to stop making the choices they do that makes, for me, sucking a dick a damned difficult thing to do.

And since that ain't gonna happen, all I can do is chalk it up to it being what it is... and choose to continue to make things easy for myself.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]Once you decide or get around to getting a taste of dick, you obviously have some choices to make and beginning with the most important one: Are you gonna get some more of it? If the answer is, "Hell, yeah!" then there are more choices to be made and along the line, other changes tend to fall into place as one discovers what they like and what don't - and even if one has kinda/sorta already made up their mind about this before taking the plunge.

I think about the choices I've made in my life about this and, sure - sometimes I could have made better choices and I've made some "wrong" ones along the way as well as ones that were "perfect" for the moment the choices were made.

While we all tend to narrow down these things so that they can, hopefully, be made to fit better with the rest of our lifestyle, I don't know about anyone else but I tended to find out that some of the choices I made were going a long way to make sure that when I wanted dick, I wasn't going to get any... so why have them in the first place? You like what you like... and can't stand what you don't like and if nothing else, it makes us leery and even fearful and more so when we have a bad experience - and because of the choice we made - we always tend to assume that if that particular situation comes up again, it's going to be as bad as it was the first time... and the truth is there's no way for anyone to know that for a fact.

I learned to make this easy on myself. There are things I just will not do but everything else is negotiable or, as a lot of people like to say, I'll pretty much try anything once and do it again if I liked it the first time. Even growing up, I would watch my peers making choices that probably made sense to them but would often result in them not getting the dick they wanted or, sometimes and because of what someone else might have said, pass up on having sex with a guy and choosing not to find out for yourself if what was said was really true or not.

Even back in the day for me and for some of us, the choices we made that didn't result in having sex with a guy would usually turn out to be bad choices. The moment we started developing favorites, we were setting ourselves up to fail down the road and if not immediately so. If we got caught up in choosing to only have sex with those we favored, what we were really doing was passing up even more opportunities to have it.

The moment we choose to develop prejudices, we were pretty much fucking ourselves in the ass... and not in a good way.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]The smallest adult cock I've ever had was barely four inches hard; the biggest was a whopping thirteen measured inches. All kinds of dicks of differing shapes and sizes. I'd never turn down a guy because his dick was too small or too big... because it doesn't make any sense to me. Even if you don't get to fuck me with whatever sized dick you have, you can bet anything you care to that I will suck it. Smaller cocks are easier to suck and bigger ones, well, they're more challenging and nothing more than that.

What size dick do I prefer? Doesn't matter as long as it's clean, healthy, and it works - it gets hard and goes soft and, most important, you're gonna let me make hard and make it soft again. I even managed to get over my... angst about uncut dicks even though I still think they're ugly as fuck - no offense, uncut guys. I very much dislike the whole BBC thing because I know that all Black guys don't all have dicks dragging on the ground and I also know that those who do, well, let's say that I've found them lacking in both skill and finesse. I learned to despise people seeing me as being a BBC - then acting some kind of way because my dick doesn't hang down to my knees and how much this disappoints them. I have a dick. It works. I know how to use it. I want you to get me hard and make me soft again... and you're trying to tell me that because I don't have 10" hiding somewhere in my underwear that you can't - and won't - do that? That it's not what you prefer?

And this whole size thing can be directly responsible for a lot of guys who want some dick not getting any dick... and, I'm sorry, but that still doesn't make any sense to me. I have quite a few people who do ask me why some guys have such a hard time getting the dick they want and my response to them is, "Because they make this shit harder than it has to be and develop preferences which, at the end of the day, doesn't make that much of a difference when you get right down to it."

Even my protege has... size issues. On the one hand, he'll tell me that size doesn't matter but then some guy with a seriously big dick will send him a picture and a request for sex... and my protege will more often than not balk at accepting such a request and spend quite a bit of time riffing about how much that's gonna hurt going in his ass or how badly his jaws are gonna wind up aching trying to suck such a huge, fat cock. The funny part? This guy just loves Black men and the ones he tends to get with does, in fact, have big dicks. He prefers somewhat smaller dicks - about his size which is 7" or so. And I poke him about it by saying, "You do know you're passing up a lot of sex because you've got this size preference going on, don't you?"

I think he doesn't like it when I point that out to him. I tell him that the real trick of dealing with any dick of any size is to figure out how you can deal with it - and never try to do more than you're physically capable of handling. If the guy looking to fuck him has 11" inches, suck it the best way you can and if you want it in your ass, just relax, breathe, and take it in your ass and it's okay to tell him how much he's got in you that's causing you too much discomfort and pain... and even if he ain't gonna like you telling him about it.

Endowed. You either are you aren't. It shouldn't matter... yet it does.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]Still, I really couldn't understand what all the fussing was about; a guy was either hung like a horse or he wasn't. I'd often hear the adults razzing each other about the size of their dicks, too, and if we all thought we could be vicious and cruel picking on each other about this, we weren't even rookies compared to what the adult men could and would say about each other's cocks.

Which would often make me wonder how they knew who had a big one and who didn't - hmm. I mean, um, I knew how I knew and it didn't take a whole lot of thinking to figure out how they knew; it really exposed me to the hypocrisy in all of this to figure out that the only way they had such knowledge about each other's dick was they were seeing them and doing something with them... while raising all kinds of hell about all the queers and faggots running around all over the place.

And the riffing over cock size just never stopped. You'd hit on a girl for some pussy and the first thing she'd want to know was how big your dick was or while you were hitting on them, they'd be staring at your crotch and if they said okay, chances were they didn't agree because of your sparkling personality: It was because you had a big dick or, sometimes, it was deemed small enough not to cause them any "problems." At this time, guys weren't so much asking ahead of time about how big or small your dick was. No - they'd wait until the dicks came out and then be pleasantly or unpleasantly surprised - and then that pecking order I mentioned might come into play: If your dick was smaller than his, you were going to be the girl, no questions asked, and it was non-negotiable. The bigger guy wasn't going to suck your dick and he sure as hell wasn't going to let you fuck him. Some guys still very much preferred smaller dicks to suck and to have in their ass while many more took up the mantra of, "the bigger, the better!"

Women kinda took a step to the side on this issue and with many saying, "It's not the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean;" many would tell me of being with guys with huge dicks and they lacked the skill and finesse to use them in a way they'd find pleasing. "At least guys with small dicks try harder to please," one girl told me. As I grew into my body more and more, it was a pain to find myself being judged and otherwise deemed worthy - or not - and based on the size of my dick. I was either too big and too fat or not big or fat enough for either guys or gals... and it just fucking annoyed the shit out of me; really, what fucking difference did it make?

Apparently, a whole lot of difference... both way back then and now. I'd learn that bigger, fatter dicks would go a long way to insure that a woman could get pregnant. A longer dick would put the sperm closer to where it needed to be for conception and a fatter one would act like a plug to make sure the sperm stayed in there for as long as possible. I'd learn about the amazing flexibility of a vagina - after all, eight pound babies come out of there and just knowing that would often make me - and a lot of other guys - feel very inadequate. Girls, it seemed, liked having their pussies stretched as wide as possible while others found it difficult dealing with having a big, fat dick roaming around in their pussy and making sex more uncomfortable than pleasurable.

Guys weren't all that different, it turned out. Pretty annoying to slide your dick into a guy's ass... and he complains about not feeling it going in... and just as annoying to slide your dick into a guy's ass... and he starts yelling and screaming like you're trying to kill him and literally rip his asshole apart. Being a guy with a smallish dick? I'd feel sorry for those guys knowing that both guys and gals would summarily dismiss and reject them for their lack of size and/or girth. Imagine, if you will, what it's like to have eight inches of dick (and as I do) and being told that you're not big enough for them or, sometimes, being told that you're too big.

It still annoys the shit out of me. I came to understand that this "bigger is better" crap has been around since forever even though it's generally accepted by many that it's how you use it that makes the bigger difference. Women were, for a time, preferring smaller cocks and simply because the guys with the big - and really big - ones were using their dicks more like a weapon than an instrument of pleasure and that was something I could easily agree with given how many times I've had a guy with a very big dick using his dick in my ass like it was a jackhammer or trying to ram every inch of it down my throat and no matter how uncomfortable it was to me.

They say that size matters... and I learned the hard way that size is overrated. Whatever size you have, that's what you have... but do you know how to use what you have in order to bring the most pleasure? The mindset has always been that guys with smaller dicks are just incapable of delivering pleasurable sex and guys with bigger dicks are well-hung gods and that you're always going to be very happy with them being in your mouth and/or ass. And the annoying and very humiliating mindset that if your dick ain't big enough, you're not man enough to use it on anyone; among guys, you're now relegated to being the one sucking that big dick and feeling it spreading your butthole wide open. It's bad enough to have women diss you because you aren't able to wrap your dick around your waist a couple of times to keep from tripping over it... and just as bad when guys are of the same mind.

It shouldn't make a difference... yet it does. Cock size [B]still[/B] doesn't mean a damned thing to me and a guy can't really - or safely - do anything about what he was born with and, yeah - I've seen pictures of guys doing all kinds of shit to their dick to make them bigger and fatter... and who are now permanently deformed or their dicks just don't work at all. Does your dick work? Will it get hard? Okay - let's see what we can do with it! At one point, I got so sick and tired of listening to guys apologizing for their lack of size and trying to convince them that as far as I was concerned, it just did not matter if they were small or not; what was of greater import to me was is a guy willing to let me at it and use it. Desire, at least to me, means more than size or the lack thereof.


[/SIZE][/FONT]

[SIZE=3][FONT=verdana]For a lot of us, it was bad enough that the girls would be picky about the size of the dick and I'd often be miffed to have a girl take one look at my cock - soft or hard - and say, "Nope - you ain't sticking that in me!" and now the best I could hope for was a blow or hand job and provided she wasn't too scared to do that. Guys with smaller dicks? They had a much harder time getting pussy; one girl I had fucked was telling me about the time she fucked one of the other guys and it hurt my feelings to hear her say, "When he stuck it in me, I couldn't even feel it and had to ask him if he really stuck it in!"[/FONT]

[FONT=verdana]Such... cruelty was often the reason why our numbers grew from the original ten to twenty "full time" guys, with a lot more who'd show up from time to time and usually when their lucky streak for getting pussy came to a screeching halt. Razzing each other about being too small or too big still went on but few of us were getting upset about it and the usual response was, "You didn't say that yesterday when we did it..." and we'd all laugh - then get down to the business at hand.[/FONT]

[FONT=verdana]Those of us who weren't, um, partaking of adult dick would often be envious or jealous of those of us who were partaking. It was like a badge of honor to suck a grown-up dick or have it squeezed into your butt and, of course, getting treated to a whole lot of sperm and much more than our young balls were capable of producing. I know that I learned a lot about size; it wasn't always better - and as everyone was saying - but it would be challenging to suck on one or bear up under the greater pain and discomfort when it was going in my ass. For me, as long as I was getting some dick - and, um, the dick wasn't uncut - I was learning that how big or small it was didn't matter a whole lot. My peers would often fuss about someone's size or lack thereof and I'd sit and listen to them and act like I was paying attention when, in truth, I'd be sitting there wondering what they were fussing about... and fussing like most of the girls would be doing.[/FONT]

[FONT=verdana]But I was seeing more and more that guys were being very funny and particular about the size of the dick. Lines were being drawn with guys who preferred smaller dicks on one side and the guys who preferred bigger dicks on the other and with very few of us who, like me, didn't care how big or small it was as long as we got to have it in some way. Oddly enough, there wasn't much fussing about being circumcised or not other than razzing each other for having all that extra skin or not having it. Personally, I wouldn't suck an uncut dick but the guy could fuck me and, yeah, I'd often get razzed about that.[/FONT][/SIZE]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]Even back in my youth and the debauchery I was up to my eyeballs in, guys would razz each other about the size and shape of their dick and yours was... smallish, you could look forward to being razzed pretty much all of the time. When our collective minds would crash - not fall - into the gutter, someone would inevitably start to pick on whoever in our group that was present had the smallest or funniest-looking dick and, often, it would be brutal and merciless, continuing on until the guy being picked on would be in tears... or ready to fight.

But like flipping a light off, all would be forgotten and forgiven; if we didn't understand a whole lot about this, we understood that no matter the size or shape, a dick could be sucked and fitted into just about any asshole. We even had a few guys who would beg off of being fucked if the dick was, to them, too big; if they didn't choose to be fucked, there were also the couple of guys who'd tell you, "Don't stick it in too far!"

Then find themselves being very uncomfortable when it would, indeed, get stuck in very far. Personally, I didn't know what those guys were thinking; telling someone not to stick it in too far was the same thing as saying stick it in as far as you can get it.

Of the original ten of us, myself and one other guy had the biggest, fattest dicks and, yes: All of us got measured; the other guy had me beat length-wise by a mere 1/8 of an inch - but I was fatter by at least 1/2 inch. So while the two of us never got razzed about being little, I know I got tired of being told I had a donkey dick or, in my junior high school days, that my dick was "double jointed." Penis envy was very much alive and well among us and it didn't make a lot of sense to me since if we were all born with different dicks, there wasn't anything we could do about it. When I was, oh, 11 or so, a pecking order emerged; guys with the smaller dicks were usually the ones spending a lot of time being the girl, from sucking dick to being fucked... while the guys with the bigger dicks (but not me or the other guy I mentioned) would use their size to break the fairness rule we had and say that because their dick was bigger, they didn't have to submit to sucking dick or being fucked.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I’ve seen and/or have experienced both the good and the bad of it and along the way, even more questions that needed answers. While so many guys I knew had walked away from it, it was never an option for me. Morally wrong and sometimes more trouble than it was worth, it was like a drug or one of those habits one can pick up that, try as they may, they just can’t get rid of... and don’t really want to get rid of it.

Do you know what it’s like? To have your moral compass always at war with the way you’ve come to see how things really are and can be? To hear that little voice in your head, while sucking the cum out of some guy’s balls or feeling it being pumped into your butt - or you’re the one providing that pleasure for another guy - and it’s telling you that you shouldn’t be doing this and shouldn’t be having fun?

Do you know? And should you know? I really can’t say except it’s something one must find out for themselves. I can only speak to what this means to me, how it did irrevocably changed my life.

Because one day, 56 years ago, I tasted cock and sperm for the first time and became forever hooked.[/SIZE][/FONT]