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[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]It's one thing to be in bed with a guy you know is down like that... quite the surprise to be in bed and getting sexed by the guy who was, yet again, the last guy you'd suspect of doing anything like that. The worst part wasn't being awakened in this way - it was the conversation that would take place after the fact. Again, some guys would apologize profusely and some guys would say, "Sorry about that..." and we both knew he wasn't sorry at all. Or listening to them telling me that they didn't know why they did it, a sentiment that would just make me roll my eyes and shake my head and, "worst of all," asking them why didn't they just ask me if I wanted to have sex with them... and them saying, "I don't know."

Or knowing that he was being 100% honest when he'd say that until we were in bed together, he had never given a single thought to doing anything with another guy, making me wonder what it was about me that just told some guys that they could blow or fuck me and I wouldn't mind one bit. Still - and I guess this would be the good part - the sex would continue and the guy pulling a midnight raid on me would get sucked and/or fucked. Some guys would be seriously nervous and afraid but I'd tell them, "Did you really think you were gonna do this to me and I wouldn't want to get even with you? Guess again!"

Sometimes, it was a one-time thing but often it would be the beginning of a more regular thing and I'd often be surprised - and reminded - that you just never know where your next serving of dick is going to come from... and it's not always from the guy you'd suspect it would come from...[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]My teenaged years were filled with such moments. I couldn't figure out why a guy would, sometimes, make it clear that just because we were gonna sleep in the same bed, nothing "funny" was gonna happen... and then I find myself waking up and finding out that the dream I was having about my dick being sucked wasn't a dream at all or, yeah, "dreaming" that I was being screwed and it was feeling good... and, nope, not dreaming.

I learned to expect the unexpected from my teenaged peers... and it's kinda reasonable to think that adult males would be more... open? about their intentions but, ah, not always and, as such, there's nothing more confusing than to wake up because there's a dick in your ass... and you didn't expect it at all. Or, yeah, not only would I wake up with the guy sucking my dick but in between sucking, he's talking to himself and saying that he couldn't resist it or asking to be forgiven for the sin he's in the middle of committing.

And I'm lying there, getting raided big time - and enjoying it... but asking myself, "Why didn't he just say this was what he wanted to do?" I got it into my head that with some guys, eh, maybe it was just "easier" for them to just do it because saying something about it was too difficult for them or, something that was probably more realistic, they woke up horny and I'm in bed with them and asleep... but I also wondered if it ever dawned on them that, at some point, I was going to wake up?

Most guys would apologize for the midnight raid... but some guys wouldn't, well, until they finished raiding me. I think I've heard just about every excuse for why they thought having some kind of sex with me at zero dark thirty was a good idea up to and including blaming it on the alcohol in some rare situations. Now, to be for real about it, getting awakened like this didn't piss me off or anything like that; if anything, I had to learn to not wake up and start throwing punches given my martial arts training and, yeah, early on, I wound up having to apologize for doing something like that and explaining that I don't react well to being surprised.

And, yeah, sometimes, it was even more fun to just lie there and let him do whatever he was doing... and letting him think that I had no idea what was going on... so I could tell them, when they got done, that I was awake the whole time. I mean, seriously: What makes you think that you're gonna be easing your dick in my ass and I wasn't going to know about it? Again, did it cross your mind, as you were sucking on my dick, that at some point I was going to wake up?[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]If I've learned nothing else about being a bisexual male, it's that you never know where your next helping of dick is going to come from. It's one thing to find out in some way that a guy is interested in doing something... and something else to get blindsided and especially when you have no reason to think that something like this will happen and, yeah, from the "last guy" you know or don't think would be down for something.

I've spent nights and weekends with guys who, before the lights went out, I would have bet my last dollar wasn't interested in having sex with other guys. No indications, no hints, no clue at all and that would be fine and dandy but, eh, depending on the guy and how I felt about him, sometimes disappointing since, yeah, it would be nice if he was interested.

I've laid in bed with such guys and quite a few times, I've been awakened by him sucking my dick or trying to shove his cock into my ass and I had to learn not to wake up and ask, "What are you doing?" when, uh, duh, it's pretty clear what he's doing but the knee-jerk reaction is normal when the guy doing a midnight raid on you is, again, the last guy you'd suspect of doing such a thing.

I learned to fake like I was still asleep which is pretty hard to do when the guy was going to town on my dick or he's humping away with his boner pressed against my hole or, like this one time, the guy managed to use something to make everything slippery and I woke up to the delicious sensations of a dick sliding in and out of my ass. I learned that it was... easier to just let him do whatever he was doing and not do or say anything that would cause him to stop but, uh-huh, at some point, he'd find out that I was awake and, sometimes, things would get awkward and embarrassing, well, at least for him.

Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night to find the guy I'm sharing a bed with spooning me... and his erection is pressed against my backside and now I'm trying to find out if he's really asleep or faking it and if he was truly out like a light, well, shit! Now I'm lying there trying not to move because I like feeling his hardness against my ass and, yeah, wishing he'd wake up and at least try to stick it in me.

One night, the guy I was spending the night with woke me up by sucking me and he was just going for it and it was almost impossible to keep acting like I was still asleep and he finally realized that I was awake; he stopped sucking me, our eyes locked, and I said, "You might as well keep going..." He was so embarrassed and after having been subjected to many midnight raids, I was able to not laugh at him as he explained that he didn't know why he got the urge to suck my dick and, as another guy had said, "I didn't mean to but I couldn't help it!"

After letting him know that it was okay for him to suck my dick - and now that I was awake, I was going to suck his - we spent almost the rest of the night sucking each other off and in between recharging, talking about why he didn't even mention that he was interested in this. His answer was, "I was afraid you'd say no."[/SIZE][/FONT]

Question:

Many of us here just approach the whole guy thing as being straight but just want the "departure" once and a while. Hell, I don't even like guys all that much in a variety of ways. But do any of you feel you could possibly meet that one dude that has you wanting more of him or even catching feelings? Or have you already?

In my occasional porn/guy masturbation fantasies, every once and a while I'll see a man/his body/the way it performs, and think, "Fuck, if I had THAT in bed I might not want him to leave! I might get addicted to him! Food for thought, because I've definitely seen a few dudes online that have me knowing I'd want more. Regular friendship, etc. Holding hands and out at the gay pride parade? Nah, just not me. I don't know. Weird. I have zero fear in putting things out there for all to see but I just don't think I could be in a relationship with a man.

I just discovered something amazing. I was masturbating to same sex porn and decided to use some strange lube that someone gave me. It seems to smell like a man's cologne unlike anything I wear. I came HARD because of the added element of some man smell I guess? Wow. The bottle only says "ENHANCE - Body Stimulant." If this stuff is already well known then forgive me. I'm new at stuff that comes in bottles.

Wow. They aren't lying.

No difference still. 2 on the Kinsey test, 2.7 on the Klein test.

If you're interested in taking these tests just web search Kinsey test or Klein test. They're free and almost too basic in my opinion. But it's pretty much me. "2"

[SIZE=3]Where to begin?

That's a crucial question. Can I pinpoint when my curiosity [I]first[/I] began? Do I start with my initial fantasies, etc. Or is it better to focus on where it all went from a mere "I wonder" to actually becoming a reality?

Let me set the stage...

A year ago this month the pandemic decimated my career. I won't go into [I]what[/I] I do, exactly. But suffice it to say that my life's work fulfills me a very deep and satisfying way. I truly believe it's my Purpose with a capital P. I never feel so alive and in the flow as when I'm out doing my thing and touching the lives of others in positive ways.

I didn't realize [I]just[/I] how much it all meant to me until a month or two into the Covid situation. How does it go? "You don't know what you've got until it's gone?"

In one quick blow I lost my livelihood, my income, and my opportunity to fully express myself in meaningful ways. The impact was huge. If I was a single guy I think I would've handled it all a bit better. I'm married and have three young children. My work is ([I]was) [/I]the sole means by which I support my family.

Like a series of dominoes, job after job after job pulled out, postponed or cancelled all together. Day after day, week after week, month after month...I hoped things would change. I frantically searched for new ways to do what I do. I took some classes and workshops on online marketing and other virtual businesses. These webinars and online classes, some of them were very long. I spent hours each day in my Man Cave on my computer taking in all this new information.

I pulled away from family and friends. It's sort of my go-to strategy when I'm feeling bad. Retreat. When I get overwhelmed I become even more introverted. The problem was in my need to withdraw as a way to soothe myself and recoup and regroup.

Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda.

Yeah, I could've taken some other kind of job I guess. Not much I'm trained in. I [I]was[/I] in education earlier in my life...but even teaching was a non-starter as schools were closing left and right.

So I just kept on plugging away at the webinar stuff, taking in as much info as I could until my mind was overflowing.

On top of all of this my wife was beginning to crack under the strain of the pandemic and all the changes it brought with it. She was ([I]IS) [/I]going through what I truly believe is a Midlife Crisis of sorts. Covid created a pressure cooker situation in our marriage, our family. Then our own kid's school shut down and I was pressed into service as their teacher. My wife, who was used to having some time to herself during the day when they were away at school now had them 24/7 and the demands for her attention just snowballed.

I believe we all have some trauma fault lines that run through our personality. One good blow and those cracks begin to open up. For her it was all about her realizing just how oppressive her upbringing in an ultra conservative fundamentalist church environment and how it has impacted all facets of her life, stunted her growth, shut down her sexuality, forced her into believing her sole function in life was to martyr herself to her husband and children and fuck her own needs.

...and she was done, absolutely DONE with it! I saw a scared and angry part of her that I'd never seen before. Seething just under the surface. She started yelling at the kids...something she'd only rarely done before. She would break down from time to time. She confessed to me in tears one night after the kids had finally gone to bed that she was "changing. Cracking open" and didn't know if I'd like who she is becoming.

That scared the shit out of me.

As a guy my typical response in situations like this is to help figure out a solution, get clear on the problem and then work out the answer.

When I had gone through my own Midlife crisis years ago it was the Mytho-Poetic Men's Work of Robert Bly (Iron John, anyone?) and Sam Keen (Fire in the Belly) that quite literally saved my life. So my initial thought was that she is on a Heroes Journey. I started searching online for a female equivalent. Surely Joseph Campbell who had written extensively on mythology and the various rites of passage would have something of comfort for my wife, right?

Turns out, no.

Campbell and the other male authors say nothing of what that experience is like for women.

So I had to search deeper in uncharted waters, seeking someone, [I]anyone[/I] who could speak to what this process was like for a woman. It took awhile but I was determined. I found one woman who had authored a short book on some of the various issues currently plaguing my wife. Those books referenced other resources and I followed them all like a detective. Finally, I found a book I felt would speak directly to my wife and give her both comfort and a way forward through this dark night of the soul.

It would take too long to wait for it to be shipped to me so I purchased the digital version through Amazon. I learned I could actually "lend" e-books to other people from my Kindle account and sent the book to my wife. I was so excited! Now we were getting somewhere! She was grateful for all my hard work, my desire to help her navigate this unfolding. We talked a bit more about it all and she promised to start reading it the next morning once the kids were at their aunts for the day. She tucked in and I just couldn't sleep...I was too wired over finally finding something that would bring some wisdom and comfort to my wife. I was so interested [I][B]I[/B][/I] wanted to read it!

So I opened up my Kindle on our laptop. But I soon discovered that since I'd already "loaned" it to my wife I wasn't able to access it until she had finished it. "Crap" I whispered. That's okay, I thought, I'll just click on the link in the email I sent her to share the book and read it from her Kindle! I signed out of my browser and signed in to hers and navigated to her Gmail account and found the link I'd sent her. But right above it, where I could not miss it, was another email, specifically a draft of an email she was working on right before going to bed . The first sentence of which was visible in the title heading Waking Up...

[FONT=verdana][COLOR=#4b0082]"Thinking how lovely it would be to wake up and bury my face in your neck and just breathe you in for awhile..."[/COLOR][/FONT]

The email was not addressed to me. It was to someone named Dave. Unable to breathe, panic making me lightheaded and nauseous, I clicked on the draft to find out what the fuck this was.

[FONT=verdana][COLOR=#4b0082]"...And once I've been saturated in your scent, you can get out your ratcheting straps and do what you want to me..."[/COLOR][/FONT]
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[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]None of the difficulties "sour" me on being bisexual; finicky guys are never going to change that. I really don't complain about it all that much but, yeah, there are some times when I sit and think about all of this - and remember how damned easy it used to be - and it's... disappointing. It's good that there are a whole lot of bi guys to be found; bad that you gotta go through some shit to find someone who is going to be, at the very least, agreeable to hook up, pull each other's dicks out, suck them until you both cum, and whatever happens after that, happens... or just doesn't.

And it sucks - and never in a good way - to know that all I can do is not like the way things are these days. I have always made it easy for guys to get in my underwear because as I've said here time and time again, I have three rules: Be old enough to consent to sex where you live, be healthy enough to have sex, and don't be my idea of an asshole and that includes bringing a lot of drama that has no business or place in this at all. I know that I'm an OG bisexual from way back in the day but one who is very much aware of how things are today because the student I've always been has to pay attention to why guys are the way they are these days and why those who very much want to play with a dick are, in fact, making it hard on themselves to do that and, in turn, making it hard for other men to satisfy their craving for dick.

The bad part is that I know why. It doesn't do much good to question a guy about his reluctance to do something because if he has reasons not to, they're legitimate to him and, sometimes, there's not a whole lot that can be said that's going to change his mind. So much social angst; so much paranoia in this as well. I actually had a guy tell me that he knew for a fact that if he just touched another guy's cock, he was going to get AIDS or some other STD - but he wanted to do more than just touch another man's cock. So much fear. A great and huge departure from keeping things simple. With some guys, hah, you just might have to fill out an application just to talk to them about this or go through a background check. Casual sex? Oh, forget that shit - it's guaranteed to be dangerous! If it's not gonna be FWB, it's an instant and immediate deal breaker. And guys who are starving for cock... and just unwilling to do anything to get it.

I miss the good old days...[/SIZE][/FONT]