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[QUOTE=OpenBineapple;335800]My first time getting fucked was amazing. There were about 15 people in the room watching us. I was fucking a chick missionary while her husband plunged his thick 8” cock in my ass. Our audience was impressed.[/QUOTE]

[SIZE=3]Don’t get me wrong - many decades later, I still feel the guilt and the self-loathing but I just do not pay any attention to it because I know why I feel it and the reason why no longer makes any sense to me.

Because it really doesn’t make any sense to deny what I am or to feel badly about it. I had some... advantages, though. I grew up with this; I was seriously curious as a child and I‘m not bragging or anything when I say that my intelligence was (and still is) quite high, something I know that gave my parents cause for concern. So I’m not really surprised that I figured this out and as early as I did... but that’s me.

If I learned nothing else, I learned that it’s not easy to stop the guilt, denial, and self-loathing from showing up and just fucking with you and that it takes a tremendous effort of will to break away from the social conditioning I got - and that everyone gets - that dictates the way I should have sex and even have deeper feeling for beyond friendship.

I was fucking my sister one day and feeling really bad about it; she picked up on it and asked me what was wrong and with my dick still buried in her pussy, I’m told her what was bothering me. She said, “I know - I feel that way, too, and we could get in serious trouble but as long as you don’t get me pregnant, well, it ain’t no big deal, is it? I want and need you to fuck me and I know you want to - so what are you worrying about? Now, get back to fucking me so I can cum...”

And in that moment any guilt and self-loathing I had been feeling kinda went to a corner and stayed away except to remind me that I was wrong, not only now but any time I had sex in a way I shouldn’t.

It still reminds me... and I still ignore it because I know that what it’s telling me is a carefully constructed lie and I’m not buying it and I’m it even gonna rent it. I’m not gonna feel guilty, hate myself, or deny that I feel the way I do just because I was told to feel this way. I’m a rebel of sorts, that guy who thumbs his nose at the rules because some rules are tailor-made to be ignored... like having sex with men.

I don’t see the sense in denying that this is how I feel and I don’t see the sense in feeling guilty and hating myself. I can easily lie to other people about it, which is kinda fucked up but to lie to myself? To deny my same sex feelings and hating on myself because I have them?

Not gonna happen. I love being bisexual and in every way that means; I love not playing by the rules being a rebel and knowing that while the rules have a real purpose, they’re still bullshit when it comes to sexual pleasure because the truth they don’t want anyone embracing is that you can have sex with anyone, male or female, and provided, of course, that they agree to have sex with you.

I am not gonna feel guilty because I love having sex. Not ever gonna deny that I do and, once more, not gonna have any self-loathing knowing that I willingly and eagerly broke the rules.

And if any of you are dealing with this - and I’m sure many of you are - ask yourself why and use your intelligence to find out why this shouldn’t be bothering you. That’s what I did; like they say it’s mind over matter and if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. I have had sex with a man and turned around an hour later and have sex with a woman... and I do not feel guilty, ain’t denying anything, and sure as fuck it hating on myself about it. Am I amoral? Yeah, and I don’t deny it but there are some thing I will not do but, um, a whole lot of things I will do because it’s sex and I understand the way sex can be other than the way it’s supposed to be.

So ask yourself why you feel the way you do and ask yourself if it really makes any sense - then, if you have the will, stop letting this stop you from accepting that you are, indeed, bisexual - and you’re not by yourself in this.[/SIZE][FONT=verdana][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]And I found out why and it would take me many more years to get to the bottom of it all but what became apparent to me - and please keep in mind that I figured this out before I was 13 - that the reason I’d feel guilt and hate myself was because I was told that I had to feel guilty and hate myself for not only having sex before I was supposed to but because I was having sex with boys, too.

Then I learned to ignore the guilt and the self-loathing and even thinking that I shouldn’t be having sex like this since I sure as hell was doing it with boys. Couldn’t deny it, could I, even though something inside of me kept saying that I shouldn’t even want to think about this, let alone do it... and enjoy it.

Its wrong and very, very nasty and even nastier when having sex with my brother. I knew it like I knew my own name but it still felt good and even felt right, not necessarily because it was my brother or even my sister or anyone else I was having sex with but because it’s sex... and we’re supposed to have sex... except as a boy, it’s supposed to be only with girls.

Bullshit. I saw the truth about having sex and way before anyone else did and upon learning the truth, I was able to set aside the guilt and self-loathing.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I don’t and can’t deny that I did these things and breaking a whole lot of rules to do them and risking severe punishment for it. Sometimes, I’d hate myself when having a good time having sex with my brother or sister because I knew I shouldn’t be but the fact remained that it would happen and everyone had a good time doing it.

I’d sometimes find myself feeling very guilty, dirty, and nasty when sucking a boy’s dick or having him on top of me and fucking me until he squirted his sperm in my butt and it would be so strong that I’d often want to throw up and run away from it.

Still, I wouldn’t throw up, didn’t run away and, in fact, couldn’t wait to do it again but, yeah, I hated that I liked - and dare I say, loved - having sex with other boys as well as having sex with girls. I didn’t know there was a word for this but what I did know was wasn’t supposed to be having sex yet and, yep, doing it would often not make me feel good before, during, and after the fact.

I’d sometimes feel horrible to just think about having sex and wanting to do it with a boy... and it didn’t make any sense to me to feel this way - and I wanted - needed - to find out why.

It took decades to find the answer. I asked a lot of questions and questions that often got me into big time trouble and punished for even thinking about such things and, again, told not to do it. Too late - already doing it but I need to know why doing something that feels so good keep trying to make me feel bad about it.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I am a 64 year old bisexual. I’ve been sexually active since I was eight years old and over all of this time, I’ve had sex in ways that would give some people a stroke and with a lot of it, I’ve felt guilt and self-loathing but not so much denial because even to my young mind, it didn’t make sense to deny something I liked doing... even thought I’d been told not to.

Why would I feel guilty after having sex with another boy? Because I was made to feel guilty over having broken the rules and rules I was very much aware of. I had asked myself a question: Why does something that’s supposed to be so bad feel so good?

The answer? Because it’s supposed to feel good to have sex but only with girls so if you have with with a boy, it’s bad and I should feel bad for even thinking about it.

And I would and did feel bad, not just about that but having sex, period and more so when you add in the fact that I was having sex with people I shouldn’t never have sex with, like my brother, my older sister, a lot of cousins and quite a few adults.[/SIZE][/FONT]

This is the third and second last of the series regarding my acceptance of my sexuality and elaborates on the [URL="https://www.bisexual.com/forum/entry.php?4346-Accepting-I-am-Bisexual"]Accepting I am Bisexual[/URL] post.

[URL]https://www.bisexual.com/forum/entry.php?4337-The-Internal-Struggle[/URL]
[URL]https://www.bisexual.com/forum/entry.php?4346-Accepting-I-am-Bisexual[/URL]

[I]I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign. Life is demanding without understanding. I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign. No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong.....
[/I]
How fitting the Ace of Base song is. You definitely see the signs, whether or not you choose to acknowledge them for what they may be is a different story so in this blog I'll point out some of my more major signs that I experienced through my life that lead to this point. They won't be in much detail nor will I cover them all but there were quite a few, some insignificant at the time but when you add them all up it shows a pattern. It would be interesting to read some of the signs others experienced from those who also took a long time to accept their sexuality.

1) There was no such thing as the internet in my teenage years nor did my father have a stash of pornography for a bi-curious horny teenager to look at so the only way I could cop a look was in the changing rooms. I was curious about cock but I had to be careful not get seen so for the most part it was eyes down but plenty liked showing off what they had and they seemed to get their kicks off doing so. I really thought this was out of curiosity but it in fact it was one of the earlier signs. You definitely didn't want to be caught looking as this would be giving them an excuse to bully and in the 1980's.... you get my drift.

2) In my early twenties I started to appreciate the male form and would cop a look in admiration of any well built male walking around in a singlet or topless. I still do today and it's probably the reason why I try and keep my body toned to some extent, that and I'm vain.

3) I've always had a fascination with anal and felt my anus was a two way street. For me, there was something highly arousing seeing a man penetrate another anally in gay porn that I couldn't get enough of but I stopped when I was nearly caught masturbating to it. In absence of gay porn I went back to straight focusing now on both cock and pussy. If it didn't have cock I wasn't interested. Lesbian porn has never done anything for me, but throw conventional straight sex in and I'm interested. The fascination with anal eventually led me to buying something cock-shaped to satisfy that curiosity and from the moment it slid up past my prostate, I knew it was for me. I didn't last long.

4) Like all men, if I don't masturbate enough I will have sex dreams and these both included men and women. I used to wake up shocked and ashamed when these were male thinking it must be a mistake, however I would be rock hard and the sheets soaked from pre-cum. Sleeping lets your sub-conscious reign supreme and often shows you the truth, unfettered. Sometimes these were men I knew and it was difficult to look at them next time I saw them after what happened in the dream. Whoops.

5) I experienced a couple of same sex crushes in my mid twenties to mid thirties. Nothing major and I feel these were more of an emotional connection rather than sexual or perhaps I just didn't realise. The one that started all this and the reason why you have to read all this guff happened in my late thirties where I experienced an incredibly strong desire to kiss another man. This still remains the only time I have felt this. This attraction was definitely sexual but also went deeper and could have developed in to a romantic one over time had it been allowed to progress.

6) I got propositioned by a man I have known for some time for sex three years ago over Skype (messaging) but I turned it down even though my body was telling me different. I was rock hard and excited at the prospect but my suppression won out. I really considered it. The question how did he know when I hadn't even accepted it myself? Outwardly I act very straight so this could be a pheromone thing or him just throwing caution to the wind I suppose.

7) I wanted to know what semen tasted like so I had to try my own and I actually quite enjoyed it. I still have issues in this department and can only do it when I'm horny enough, it's a work in progress. I have tried to deposit directly in to my mouth, but I'm too old to accomplish that now.

8) When masturbating for the few years prior to 2017 before my acceptance, I often but not always used gay sex fantasies or written stories. For some strange reason I thought written stories weren't as bad as visual, well, that's how I rationalised it to myself. Once I ejaculated I was embarrassed and ashamed even though I knew I really enjoyed it. This tended to happen the longer the session went so when I discovered edging....

This entry took a while to write because I had to choose which signs I felt had the most impact. In writing and posting on the forum I have become more comfortable talking about my sexuality and the exploration I used during my journey to acceptance. Most of these details I have shared over time in various posts however some I have not shared before but due to their impact on the process I felt compelled to mention them. Everyone is different but this is what really affected me and yes, it's hard to see why I didn't accept it a lot earlier.

[FONT=trebuchet ms][FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I don’t want or need any of that porn shit; I don’t want to shoot my load on your face and I will be disappointed if you push me into the abyss and take your marvelous mouth away and let my spunk go to waste.

Take my cum; taste it; swallow it so I can be more of a part of you and share my maleness with you because this is a part of the experience, the only real way to feed the hungry beast that lives within you that needs cock and cum to survive.

Just suck me. Make me tremble in the face of your passion; make me shiver with delight. Make me sweat; make my heart pound hard and fast in my chest so you can feel my pulse in your mouth.

Suck me. Suck my dick. No playing. No teasing. Suck me, and finish me so I can show you my lust, passion and desire, too, and no - there will be no escape for you.

The only thing you have to “prove” to me is how much you love it, how much you need to do it. Let your beast loose on me and suck me until I flood your mouth with cum.

Yes... do it... show me your cock sucking beast...[/SIZE][/FONT][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]Show me how much you love to suck dick; make my body start to fuck into your mouth all by itself, to keep pushing me out of control, until there’s nothing else in the world except your mouth on my dick.

Don’t look for me to grab your head and fuck your mouth like a maniac; I don’t want to fuck you in the mouth - I want you to blow me. Make me groan; make me cuss; make my eyes roll up in my head because you’re making it feel so good.

And by all means, don’t concern yourself with whether you’re good at this - your passion and desire will speak for you. If you need to catch your breath, that’s okay - I understand because I’ve been where you and it won’t be long before I will be where you are and exposing you to my passion and desire.

I won’t show you any mercy and I expect none to be given. Suck me. Push me to the edge and shove me over it; make me cum in your mouth; feel the urgency of my cock pulsing in your mouth because you made me give up my spunk so your hunger can be fed.

Take it. Suck it. Make me cum. Show me your raw passion and desire to suck cock. My dick isn’t a toy - don’t play with it. Suck it, lick it; fondle my balls and leave my ass alone - that’s for some other time and a time when I just might want you to make love to my cock but for now?

Suck me. Eat my dick. Force me to give up my seed to your hunger. This is what I need you to do more than anything else. Suck me. Own me. Make me feel your raw passion, lust, and desire.

Yes... suck my cock...[/SIZE][/FONT]