My Fiance just told me he has Gay Urges [Archive]

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camomommy86

Aug 11, 2012, 10:41 AM

falcondfw

Aug 11, 2012, 11:38 AM

Ok so i need soem help here. My fiance and i have been toghter for a year and a half. And about 4 months ago he told me he had relations with men before we got toghter. I forgave and understood that. Cause it was a time when we were not toghter. But now yesterday i seen he has been looking at gay porn. I dont get it i really dont. Now he is telling me he dotn want that he just has urges to look at that stuff and wants me to understand and help him. i dotn know what to do right now. We have 2 beautiful children. And i do not want to hurt them in any way shap of form. But i dont know that i can rationalize the fact that the man i am susposed to marry and have loved for the last year and a half. Just told me he has urges to watch gay porn. When he has already admited to being with men beofre. How am i susposed to know that he is not just trying to hide it and useing us to live a normal life cause he is affraid of what society may think. Please help me i need some advice.

WOW! You are between a rock and a concrete pillar for a bridge abutment.
Not good.
I think there are some serious trust and communication issues in the relationship.
#1, you should have not needed to "forgive" anything. That happened before you are together. It is not your business and it was nice of him to be honest with you.
#2, the kids. That is a very serious problem. That changes a lot of things, and you should have thought of that, with everything you know, before you did it.
#3 If you have 2 kids together, why the F has he not married you yet? Yes, I know, the commitment angle, etc. BULLSHIT!!!!
#4 rationalizing is not an issue. You have kids. THEY need to be your total focus, MOM!
#5 honest, total unbullshit dialog is the only way the two of you will solve this. Go to counseling if you think you need to. But the kids have to be the number one focus.

Good luck to you both. I hope you are able to save things.

camomommy86

Aug 11, 2012, 11:48 AM

First thing. The children we have are mine from a previous marrige. They are not Biologicaly his. And as for what he told me yeah i am glad he told me. But it does not change the fact that since we have been toghter he has had urges and been watching gay porn. And will barely touch me or have sex with me. How is that susposed to make me feel. That the man i love wont have sex with me but he will watch gay porn. And our wedding date is set for or was set for next November. And he has asked me not to say anything to anyone. So i dont even have the oppertunity to talk to anyone about it,. So i dont know what to do. I dont know that i can live with the fact of knowing my Fiance wants to be with men instead of me. Or at least that is how it makes me feel. So i dont know,. I guess i am looking for someone to talk to since i can not talk to anyone i know.

Realist

Aug 11, 2012, 1:15 PM

Cammo, I see way too many warning signs, here!

I can speak with some authority, as a bisexual man, who tried hard to quell my bisexuality, during three marriages!

I did not cheat, during marriages one and three, but temptations were difficult to resist. I failed to resist, during the second marriage, on several occasions.

Once it begins, it became more difficult to refrain.

I lied to myself and my wives about my desires, stupidly thinking I could overcome a part of me that was ingrained from an early youth.

I've left a trail of tears and heartbreaks in my wake and I wouldn't wish that on anyone!

All of the advice above is solid, but if you cannot understand, or accept, your fiancee's bisexuality.........the bottom line is, now is the time to cut and run!

Best of luck to you, Lady, and I hope the choices you make are what's best for you....... and especially your children.

camomommy86

Aug 11, 2012, 1:21 PM

See that is where it hurts. I love him so much. I have been married twice. And have had my heart stopped on. I love this man very much. But i dont know that i cant accept the fact that he wants or thinks of other men. Considering he will barely touch me. And when he does it is cold and empty. it makes me feel like i am not good enough for him. And he has asked me not to say anything to our friends or family due to the fact that he does ot want anyone to know about it. But he is telling me he is trying to supress them. And that he wants it to go away. But he still has urges to look at it. My fear is what is gunna happen on the day the he has a urge to be with another man and can not fight it. I could never handle knowing he has had sex with another man while we are toghter. I dont know what to do. Also i do not want to hurt my children they love him so much. he is the only Real father they have know. And i do not want to take that away from them But i also cannot stay just because of my children. I just dont know what to do. and i have no one to talk to. out of respect for him.

gen11

Aug 11, 2012, 1:32 PM

You trying to repress a homosexual urge in him is like tying to put your thumb over the mouth of a just-opened, spewing, chambaigne bottle -- you will NOT be able to surpress it, and trying to will just make an awesome mess. What you do in both cases is let the bottle bubble over, then enjoy the champaigne.

Secondly: Love is NOT your need for him. It is only your need. Love IS supporting the beloved in becoming the best him (or her) that he or she can be, according to his or her own nature -- NOT your desires, not to assuage your feelings of insecurity or incompleteness or need for security or any of the other 10,000 self-focused emotions this society calls love.

So my advice is to make a choice: Either leave him, cleanly or completely; OR, do whatever you need to do to accept ALL of this man you say you love, including his bisexual nature (joint conseling was a good suggestion already made), let him bloom in his own way, and have his back as he goes through life. Since he is in a relationship with you that is important to him, told you about his desires for men intead of just walking away from you without a comprehensible reason, the odds are very high he is bi and not gay and his sexual interest in men won't conflict with his emotional attachment or non-physical devotion to you. You can learn to enjoy it if you wish to. It will also work if you embrace his full realty as discussed above.

"Half measures will avail [you] nothing."

ncfriendforyou

Aug 11, 2012, 1:33 PM

My thoughts:
I am assuming from your screenname that you are from a small town, and there aren't many openly gay or bisexual people. I grew up in such an area so forgive me if I am wrong. You said that you couldn't live with the fact that he wants men instead of you. So I would ask, what if he wants both, and not either. Maybe he is actually gay and doesn't want women any longer, maybe he is conditioned into thinking that it is all or nothing in the world of sexual orientation, and he is too overcome with guilt and shame (like I was for a long time) that he just can't bring himself to tell you what is on his mind. My advice to you is to pawn the kids off on the in-laws or aunt somebody for a night, get a sexy outfit, a bottle of wine, and tell him you love him and want to know his deepest darkest desires. He may have fantasies that include you and him with other men. Maybe he wants you to make him lick your heels before you do him with a strap on. Maybe he just wants a buddy to swap blowjobs with, then go hang some drywall. It doesn't really matter. What matters is that you trust him enough to not be jealous, don't judge or condemn, and if you aren't bound by the morals and values of others and are willing to take a chance, you might just discover things that you never knew turned you on. Or then again he could just be gay and you can still love him but you probably won't have the life you want with him... The only way to find out is to talk and be ready and willing to accept the outcome. I wish you the best and hope it works out for you.

camomommy86

Aug 11, 2012, 1:53 PM

The advice has been really good. Only a couple things He will not really talk about it at all. And i do not so much as have a problem with him watching gay porn. it is the fact that he has been with men before. That scares me and if he has urges to watch it then what is to keep him from haveing urges to being with a man. If it was just the porn i think i could handle it. But i can not handle the thought of him being with a man. I want to save this relationship. I do love him. Not the thought of him. But actully love him. My heart skipps a beat when he kisses me. I think of him all the time. And i am just scared he does not feel the same way cause i am a woman and not a man. And i do live in a small town. And being gay around here is not so bad. His brother in fact is openly gay. Has been out for like a long time. So the fact that he may be scared of society is not the reason why i think he is hideing it. Cause his brother lives a full and normal life as a Gay man. But what does that mean for me. Do i sit back and try to support him. Let him watch the porn and pray to god that he does not ever have a relationship with another man. Or do i just cut and run. But how do i trust the fact that he hid this from me all this time. How do i know he is not hideing more or may hide any sexual encounters int he future. I dont know what to do to save this relationship. I am already in counseling for PTSD and Bipolar. So mabey we need to try and go to another counsler for this. I just dont know. Or is it just me over reactin g to all this information.

Gearbox

Aug 11, 2012, 3:19 PM

Considering he will barely touch me. And when he does it is cold and empty....
I don't know how this man is assumed to be bi if that's how he interacts with the woman he loves. IMO he's either a homosexual, a bisexual who's not sexually attracted to you, or you have serious paranoid fantasies going on there (not mocking your bipolar).

Call wedding plans off until YOU are better able to judge your situation for yourself.

camomommy86

Aug 11, 2012, 3:29 PM

The Bisexual Virgin

Aug 11, 2012, 3:37 PM

Gearbox

Aug 11, 2012, 4:23 PM

Wedding plans have been put on hold as well as the whole relationship. We have not had a chance to fully sit down and talk due to him being at work right now. But i just needed help. Cause i dont even know how to have the conversation
Sit as friends and ask him to just listen to what you have to say. Don't put your questions and concerns as attacks and accusations, but just express your thoughts and feelings without judgement. VERY hard to do Yes! But be aware of how you make HIM feel too. Your not a victim, and neither is he etc.

You could tackle your belief that he doesn't want to touch you, and his touch being cold/empty etc. Say how that feels for you, and ask how it fells for him etc.
If your both able to talk openly and honestly without fear of hurting the other, no matter how it ends, you'll both be better than before.:)

Realist

Aug 11, 2012, 4:45 PM

Cammo, I wasn't going to comment again, but....... One big sign, I would think, would be his lack of passion for you, on top of his compulsion to watch gay porn.

I would think that he could be using you (maybe unconsciously, maybe not) to cover his actually being gay. He seems so frightened to be found out and hiding in his relationship with you.

I have always had just as much passion and desire for which gender I'm with. If I was with a lady, I'd love her in every way. If I had a male lover, I'd be equally motivated for him.

You're in turmoil, I can see that......you really do need help, Girl!

gen11

Aug 11, 2012, 5:33 PM

I need to modify my previous comments, not having read every word of every response and your reply to all, and now having an different perception of his reaction to you.

Cut and run.

camomommy86

Aug 11, 2012, 5:43 PM

I just dont even know how to go about haveing a conversation ith him about this. i dont want to sound like i am attacking him or anything. but i think i need to be herd. And i am trying with everything in me to understand some of this. but this is not one of those typical moments to where u know what to say. i have never even thought about this before. I am so hurt right now. And i dont just want to cut and run without trying to talk about it some what. But i just dont even know what to say. Or how to get my feeling out without hurting him. it has been eating me all day. My head is pounding and my stomach is turninig. And i am trying to understand where he is coming from . I just cant find it in me to do that. And it does not stop all the thoughts that i have going on. it has been pointed out that mabey his family is a covert. I have thought about that so much. That mabey he is with us and trying to save us so much cause he dont want to admit it to him self or the rest of the world. And that is why he has tried hideing it so much from me. Cause he did not want me to know at all. And if that is the case then i do not want to stay cause then that is not really love. but even if i decide to stay how do i know it will not continue. And he will just hide it better from now on. I already have trust issues to begin with and now they are a million times worse. So i dont know. But the advice fom everyone has been helpful. Please keep them coming.

camomommy86

Aug 11, 2012, 6:49 PM

So i dont know how to go about this conversation. I told him i need to get away for a while when he gets home. Cause with me as upset as i am i dont think it would be good to talk to him right off the bat. But after i calm down i dont even know how to start a conversation like this. Can someone anyone please help me.

falcondfw

Aug 11, 2012, 7:11 PM

I think when you calm down and you come back to have this conversation, total, non-judgemental honesty is how you have the conversation. Sit him down and say"I love you, but we seriously need to talk about our relationship. Remember, I also have kids to think about and making sure they get raised into proper adults. I have a serious issue with your claim of being bisexual. If you are bisexual, you like both sexes. But you won't even touch me, yet you have no problems watching gay porn. That does not seem bisexual to me. Please explain to me what is going on?"

camomommy86

Aug 11, 2012, 7:52 PM

I am going to try my best to just go for a drive clear my head. Get away from the kids. Since i have not been able to just sit and think with haveing them all day. So i am hopeing the drive will help clear my head some. And hope that i can come back and try to have a some what calm conversation with him. But as i said before with the ptsd and bipolar. My moods can change very easy so i am hopeing i can remain calm as this conversation goes on. So i can try and understand this and make a informed and good decision. The only crappy thing is. i can not talk to anyone else about this. So it makes it hard to get my thoughts out. Cause i cant even turn to my best friend or any of my family on there opinions. Whick sucks so damn bad. And i have been through so much already i am just so ready to cut bait and run. But my heart is telling me a different story. So i am going to at least try and undersdtand and see where it goes instead of jumping in with the anger i have. Cause i know all to well bad decisions are made when you are angry.

Jobelorocks

Aug 11, 2012, 9:04 PM

Well, I don't know what your fiance's situation is with the lack of passion for you, but I will put that aside, because I don't know the details. I am a bisexual woman married to a straight man. I have known that I was attracted to both genders since childhood, but didn't know there was such thing as bisexuality until my teens, so I just thought I must be straight because I liked males more. Once I found out what bisexuality was, I knew that was me. I never told anyone about my sexual attraction to women and had some sexual experiences with them as a teen and in my early twenties. I was so ashamed (since I was raised in a very religious home) of my urges and wouldn't dare tell anyone.

My husband and I got married, and I told him a few months after we got married. He was the first person I ever came out to and it was a really big deal. He was very loving and supportive of my sexuality and instead of shaming me, or assuming that I was going to leave him for another woman, he talked to openly about it. I love him so much and never would want to be with anyone else romantically ever. We are very secure in our relationship and we are now swingers. I get to explore my same sex attraction and we both get to have a lot of sexual fun. I do have to say that we have no issues of jealousy what-so-ever now that we are swingers. I think that is because we know we can be totally open about our sexual urges with each other and fulfill them, so why would we go behind each other's back?

Our relationship is incredibly strong and we love each other very passionately. I am so glad that my husband was so understanding with my sexuality and decided to love all of me, including my sexuality. Sexuality is a big part of a person, and if you truly love someone you love them for all who they are.

As far as the lack of sexuality between you two and your difficulty loving all of him (his sexuality is a part of him), I would say that is the real problems here. If you can't love him for all of who he is and you two can't get a sexual spark going, then you should cut it off for good.

elian

Aug 12, 2012, 8:08 PM

At least he was honest enough to tell you before you got married, and that must mean that somehow he either feels respect for you and/or perhaps shame or confusion about his same sex feelings. Many of us have been told our desires are wrong. I can't hear his side of the story so I can only speculate. He MAY have entered into a relationship thinking he was gonig to be able to "fix" himself. He may really need your support, or you may need the support of each other in ways beyond a sexual relationship. For guys who have been told it is wrong all of their life, it's REALLY hard to come to terms with it sometimes. YOU probably won't ever be able to change that part of who he is, or what he has done in the past, best advice like so many others have said is just like any other best friend you accept him for who he is..

Do you sense affection and/or passion in the kisses? There is a whole spectrum of desire and attraction. For some guys PORN might be enough, as long as he knows the difference between what is real and what is not. For other guys they may want more, for some people they are perfectly content with one partner, some of them may want more.

A relationship involves (at least) two people, plus children now if he is a part of their lives. I would speak your desires and your fears in love, honestly, but not hurtfully. When you speak use "I" language - frame things in terms of the way you feel instead of describing what you don't like about the other person. Instead of saying, "I wish you wouldn't watch porn." instead "*I* am afraid you won't find me attractive anymore." This deals with your needs directly, it doesn't being up the past behavior or attempt to force him to define EXACTLY what he is feeling when he may either partially deny it, or honestly not know the answer at this point in time..and he needs to treat you with the same courtesy, love and respect.

If you were thinking of getting married then hopefully your relationship is strong enough that you can both stand to hear each others hopes, dreams and doubts. You need to hold each other in love while you do this, with both of you fully knowing that neither one wants to intentionally wound the other. A couple I heard from in a wedding who were married 60 years said their secret was "never going to bed angry" - I'm not sure if that was angry with each other, angry with the world or both maybe.

It isn't necessarily the end, but we come into relationship to support each other, to grow, to learn - even if it isn't exactly what you expected the universe does not WASTE a single drop of energy.

Paddarick69

Aug 13, 2012, 12:08 AM

I'm the first person to be optimistic when it's warranted but I can't see this ending well... you have issues of your own that need tending, it's doubtful you'll ever be able to also tend to his obviously enormous problems/needs and nurture yourself at the same time... you even mentioned you already feel like cutting and running... you know deep down that's what you're going to do... at least he told you before hiring a lawyer would be required to end it

Paddarick69

Aug 13, 2012, 12:14 AM

plus ya got kids to nurture, the most vulnerable and needy players in this saga... nope... this pretty much has to end - the level of effort needed to heal the situation (if it can be healed, I mean the guy hardly even touches you!) AND manage your bipolarity AND raise the kids - eh, nobody can do all that succesfully

FinkDoodle

Aug 13, 2012, 2:46 AM

Maybe if you'd be a little more openminded about what HE likes, he'd be a little more responsive to you. Bottom line, if you can't accept him as he is, you're alienating him - so it's quite natural that he'd pull back from you and immerse himself in a world he feels more comfortable with. I'm at a loss as to why you're freaking out that he looks at "gay porn" . . most men, if not all, look at SOME kind of porn and a large percentage of them get a charge out of some kind of non-vanilla variety strictly for their own personal reasons. I could see you getting upset if he was into kiddie porn, necrophilia or something really heinous . . but you're talking about regular dumb guy-on-guy sex pictures . . unless you're living in the 1800's I can't imagine why this is a big deal to you. It's the 21st century . . you can't exactly be jailed for bisexuality anymore.

He was honest with you about his bisexual experiences . . you might want to cut him a little slack since, from what you're saying, you seem to be doing a lot to damage this relationship.

bityme

Aug 13, 2012, 7:32 AM

I was struck by a few of the statements you made in various posts in this thread.

{Post # 1} about 4 months ago he told me he had relations with men before we got toghter. I forgave and understood that. Cause it was a time when we were not toghter.

{Post # 3} The children we have are mine from a previous marrige.

{Post # 5} But i dont know that i cant accept the fact that he wants or thinks of other men. Considering he will barely touch me. And when he does it is cold and empty.

My fear is what is gunna happen on the day the he has a urge to be with another man and can not fight it. I could never handle knowing he has had sex with another man while we are toghter.

{Post # 8} Only a couple things He will not really talk about it at all. And i do not so much as have a problem with him watching gay porn. it is the fact that he has been with men before. That scares me and if he has urges to watch it then what is to keep him from haveing urges to being with a man. If it was just the porn i think i could handle it. But i can not handle the thought of him being with a man.

I am already in counseling for PTSD and Bipolar.

{Post # 15} i am trying to understand where he is coming from . I just cant find it in me to do that.

Post # 1: Falcon already addressed the idea of forgiveness, so I'll pass that, however, coupled with other statements about your feelings, etc., it seems fairly clear that you do not understand his prior relations with men or his current urges.

Post # 3: Two prior marriages and two children. He's not their biological father, but you say he's the only real father they have known and you don't want to see them hurt. You don't indicate how old he is nor give the ages of you or the children. I get the impression that the marriages were short and the children are very young. The impression comes from your statement that you've had your heart stomped on before and the PTSD and Bipolar disclosure that I'll address below.

Post # 5: You aren't sure you can accept the fact that he wants or thinks of other men, but you do know you could never handle him having sex with another man during your relationship. While it is possible for a bisexual man to control his desires in favor to a commitment to a woman to maintain a monogamous relationship, even those members here that have been able to, or who are are currently in such relationships, indicate that maintaining monogamy is extremely difficult. Those who have achieved success often talk about how open, honest communication and having an understanding spouse are, for them, key factors. All those I am aware of have also indicated having at least satisfactory, and many claim extraordinary, sex lives with their spouses.

If he barely touches you and when he does it feels cold and empty to you, it certainly does not appear that the two of you have a satisfactory sexual relationship for either of you. It is also interesting to note that you do not indicate that at any time during your year-and-a-half relationship that your sex life has been satisfactory. While the existence of a satisfactory sex life is certainly not a requirement, the lack of it further complicated by problematic issues regarding sex can have a devastating effect on the relationship. This seems to be consistent with what you indicate you are experiencing. This leads us to your next post.

Post # 8: If open, honest communication is an essential element for a bisexual to maintain a monogamous relationship, his unwillingness to discuss the issues is a major impediment to your continuing to be together. Since you have expressed that you have major concerns about trusting him, there is little hope in resolving your concerns absent the opportunity to express them and come to an understanding you are comfortable with.

Here you indicate you have resolved you uncertainty about his prior experience with men. Initially you stated you forgave him and understood those experiences, but here you clearly state that you have problems with him having been with men before and "can not handle the thought of him being with a man."

The fact that you indicate you are undergoing treatment for PTSD and being Bipolar discloses a true need for stability in your life. Dealing the mood swings you disclose as well as the anxiety issues common with PTSD are, no doubt, very difficult for you even with the counseling you are undergoing in addition to any other treatment you are receiving. These personal issues plus the stress of being a single parent to two young children underscore you need for stability in your daily life as well as any relationships you have whether familial, friendships or love interests. I would be very surprised if your counselor (if you disclosed these same issues to him or her) would not tell you that considering your personal and parenting issues it would not be advisable for you to maintain your current relationship. Subjecting yourself to additional problems of insecurity and trust concerns, coupled with you lack of understanding or acceptance of his bisexuality, would seem to me to be leaving yourself extremely vulnerable to triggering additional, or more extreme, mood swings and increased anxiety.

Post # 15: I am not surprised that you can't find it in you to understand your boyfriend and what he is experiencing. This statement alone leaves the impression that even though a termination of your relationship might cause some transient problems for you, ending the relationship is the best thing you can do. I sense, however, that despite your knowing this is the best course of action, you are reluctant to take that step. The Bisexual Virgin was absolutely correct when she stated: "Just because you love someone does not mean they are good for you.

You might have noticed that, unlike some of the other posters, I have not attempted to explain, or educate you about, bisexuality. I have not tried to speculate about your boyfriends hiding his desires or the possibilities of his seeking actual physical encounters at some point in the future. I haven't commented about how to talk with him or any need for you to be more open-minded about his orientation or accepting of his bisexuality. I personally feel those issues are irrelevant for your personal situation.

Considering all of your comments, your personal medical conditions, and your single parent status, your primary concern should be for your own well being and that of your children. No matter how much a "real father" you feel he has been for your children, I don't foresee any real possibilities of the two of you establishing a successful, permanent, stress-free, marital union. It would be inadvisable for you and a disservice to your children to continue with your current relationship knowing that you "can't find it in you" to accept his prior bisexual experiences and your inability to accept the thought of him having any future liaisons with other men. I think that, if you are honest with yourself, you will agree that working things out with him (which is doubtful considering your opposing views) would take a very long time during which you would be in danger of triggering greater and more frequent mood swings and more frequent and more intense bouts of anxiety. I don't would personally recommend that you not take that risk.

Pappy

Paddarick69

Aug 13, 2012, 7:55 AM

listen to Pappy (who never fails to impress with his wisdom)!

ya got 3 priorities, in order of importance:

1. Your children
2. Yourself
3. Him

you can't take care of number one without maintaining a strong level of care to number two... and ya can't take care of number two (and thus one) if you're in major turmoil over number three... end this before what is already a car wreck becomes a train wreck

and, please, remain single until you meet a man who is capable of giving strong support to priorities one and two and asks for very little in the number three department... I also recommend he be very, very heterosexual!... if that means being single a long time it's worth the sacrifice for your kids

the best of luck to you!