Feeling badly

[pradalove]

Good Evening
Haven't been on in a long while, but advice was helpful last visit so here goes. My husband and I have successfully navigated his coming out as bisexual. We've done the role playing thing and he's had several encounters ( I'm not participating at this time due to various reasons although he desires it in the future; we'll see I'm still on the fence.

After his encounters which I support him in and he and I talk about before and after, he goes through a day or two of remorse and also questions whether he is bi.
But the funny thing is that when he actually talks about the encounters he talks about how pleasurable the various actions were in a very graphic way speaking fondly of the acts he is questioning his attraction to. I want to be supportive and tell him whatever he is or wants to be is okay with me (provided he is safe of course).
Does anyone else here experience these guilty feelings or remorse. How can I help him appreciate and not be so hard on himself?

[Jobelorocks]

I have in the past and occasionally still do, but I think it is mainly due to my very strict religious upbringing. It does tend to lessen over time, especially with support from your spouse or significant other. I don't know if he comes from a Christian background or is currently one, but there is a very good documentary called "Fish Out of Water" that may be helpful if his guilt is connected to the Christian faith. Other than that, just learning about his sexuality and connecting with other bi-friendly queer people or bisexuals should help as well.

[Goodone]

In my experience the guilts are a normal part of the pathway to accepting what you are. I had my first encounter at 15 with fairly regular encounters with various guys from then on. It was not until recently now 39, after my break up with my GF at the time that I truly accepted that I am bi, I no longer feel the guilts, it is the way I am so why should I feel guilty?

I would suggest that you just be there to listen, ensure him that it is ok and that you are still there for him and crazy about him, he will come to terms with it in his own way.

[pradalove]

Thank you for the posts, no he's not particularily religious but his overall persona and career makes his sexulity seem a bit problematic I think. I'm going to keep encouraging him to be himself. I think he worries I'm going to have an affair and meet someone else but I have zero interest in that and repeatedly reassure him.

[jem_is_bi]

Thank you for the posts, no he's not particularily religious but his overall persona and career makes his sexulity seem a bit problematic I think. I'm going to keep encouraging him to be himself. I think he worries I'm going to have an affair and meet someone else but I have zero interest in that and repeatedly reassure him.

Women like you that support us with all your love is one of the reasons why I am bisexual rather than homosexual. We treasure you so much.

[tenni]

Yes, the regrets and even feelings of shame are common. It is a process of self acceptance and seeing same sex activity as positive and good. With your support you are helping him deal with feelings of guilt after years of social pressure telling him that it is wrong. It doesn't end overnight.

[Goodone]

Women like you that support us with all your love is one of the reasons why I am bisexual rather than homosexual. We treasure you so much.

I agree, with a partner like you by his side I am sure he will get through this. Good to see people with even better people supporting them.

[Long Duck Dong]

hi prada.......

sit with him and talk with him.....

something tells me that he is handling the sex acts with out much issue, but he is having difficulty with the emotion / mental aspect of himself.....

you are dealing with a guy that has a internal conflict within himself as a person / partner / husband and a person that is having casual sex with other people.....

how this comes about is that during the sexual connection, most *minor * thoughts are * drowned out * by the primal sexual urge and desire.... there is no rhyme or reason for his actions, simply the pleasure, and its not til later that he sits and thinks about what happened and works it out in his mind......

his nature is one of respect for others, thinking about the way he treats others and yes also his partner, and how that aspect of him doesn't mirror what he does while with other people in a random sexual encounter.......

the fact that he is concerned about you having a affair, highlights the fact that he is now acutely aware of how simple it can be for a person to have a affair with another person and justify their actions, he is using his own ability to go with other people as a way of seeing the * affair * aspect in other people......
there is nothing wrong with it.... its just that people can struggle with realizing how easy it can be for some people......

talk with hubby about the casual sex aspect v's a long term partner of the same gender / poly relationship..... tell him you are not asking him to decide what one you both are going to have in your lives, but you are curious about how he would relate to them both if he had to choose between one or the other in the future, in order to continue his time with other people......
you need to make it clear that you are not seeking to control what he does, you are interested in learning more about the way he thinks and helping him understand more about how he sees things in himself......

[falcondfw]

Thank you for the posts, no he's not particularily religious but his overall persona and career makes his sexulity seem a bit problematic I think. I'm going to keep encouraging him to be himself. I think he worries I'm going to have an affair and meet someone else but I have zero interest in that and repeatedly reassure him.

I don't care what anyone says. I just have to say that you are a completely AWESOME lady and he is so lucky to be married to you.
I have one bisexual experience in my life (after my wife of 16 years left me. I told her I was interested before she left.). My former fiance wanted to use a strap-on on me, but she was too jealous to let anyone else touch me. My current fiance is completely uninterested.
Your hubby has a completely incredible woman and I hope and pray he truly appreciates you.
Freedom of expression is what most, if not all of us, crave.

[pradalove]

Thank you everyone for the praises, not necessary but appreciated :) it's not easy to get beyond social norms and other pressures to be objective; I started by not watching television....(that's another story). I hope evey one of you finds the right match don't give up. I suggest looking for an independent self aware person. As Ayn Rand's Howard Roark said you first have to know how to say I before you can say love you.
LDD....interesting and thoughtful reply. I would be thrilled if my husband could find a less casual hookup...a friend and lover some one to enrich his life. It seems however that all he's found through sites and forums are guys wanting me more than him or guys who can't quite get beyond the chat share pics and never meet. I'd be happy to share if the guy was a good person who my husband was committed to. I think we may find it someday but we are cautious and for now years of not accepting his orientation are bring dealt with through more casual (albeit satisfying somewhat) encounters.
I will continue to be supportive and patient...communication and trust are key.