Lifelong bi woman, now married, old flame is back

[SinCityGal]

Hello all-- glad to have found this forum. I really hope I am not judged here; I'm no angel, and I'm trying to do what's best for everyone involved. Mostly I'm just trying to find support from people who have gone through this, or something similar.
My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years. We have a FANTASTIC relationship, and a fantastic sex life. We have our occasional fights like all couples do, but I truly believe nothing is lacking in our marriage. I love him dearly and try my best to be as good a partner as possible, when possible.
He knows I have always been bisexual; he's always been accepting. We have talked in the past about how he might feel about me with another woman-- he stated that he believed he would either enjoy, or at least be comfortable with, my being with one if something ever happened. Unfortunately, we both learned that this was not actually the case.
My old friend from college came to visit last weekend. She and I have been friends for about 10 years now. When we first met, things shifted quickly from friendly to romantic/sexual, but that part faded out as she moved away and we both started separate lives. We were both very young at the time (19 and 21, I think), and I don't think either of us were ready/willing to be in a monogamous relationship with a woman. We have continued to maintain a loving, but definitely platonic, relationship over the years (kept up almost entirely via Facebook-- we see each other in person very rarely, and almost never talk on the phone). I did not expect her to try to rekindle something with me while visiting, but she did, and I got very excited about it. I realized still have very strong feelings for her. In fact, I feel more strongly about her now than ever before.
Nothing physical happened at all while she was here-- this is because my husband got very upset. He quickly recognized what was going on between us (in retrospect, he and I should have talked about what might happen and how we all would handle the situation, but we didn't-- I didn't realize there would be a need. My fault for not realizing the potential outcome). He is wonderful in that he is not a stereotypical hetero male when it comes to discussing feelings-- on the contrary, he was very clear and honest. He stated he felt unwanted, unneeded and like a third wheel. I made sure we would not do anything to further upset him. I hate to admit it, as I know it is selfish and unfair-- but I felt a bit resentful. I know that it's not right to feel that way. I vowed to love him and only him-- and if push comes to shove, I will respect our marriage and his feelings first. But my feelings for my friend-- the 'female love of my life'-- are hard to suppress.
Ultimately, after a lot of discussion, my husband gave his blessing for me to pursue her physically if I chose. But it was obvious he was saying it purely to make me happy, not because he wanted it to happen. The last night she was here, I slept in her bed (per his suggestion) but again, nothing happened.
She is going through a divorce (from a man) right now. I don't know if her actions while visiting us were an attempt on her end to find a way to distract herself from the sadness of the divorce, or if she is truly wishing to be with me in some capacity. I presume it is a little of both. I don't really want or need to categorize the type of relationship she and I have together; all I want is to be able to love them both without either of them feeling abandoned or hurt in any way. Is this asking too much? Probably. :(
So... that's where I'm at. I'm not necessarily looking for a plan of action, just looking for some friendly 'faces' and hopefully a little hope or advice. Take care, all. :)

[Long Duck Dong]

can you love them both ??? lol my darling, you already do...... the question you may want to ask, is can I have them both ? and that is something that only you 3 can truely answer......

personally, if I was asked for a professional opinion, it would be that you are a romantic based bisexual, more than sexual, as you place great value on feelings, emotions and thoughts, than sex and sexual expression.... and that is what is causing a conflict between your desire to love them both equally and fully and the desire to be monogamous and faithful to your husband, whom, by the sounds, is a very intuitive and understanding man.....

in my eyes, his actions were a way of helping you realise your own truth about yourself and your desires.... and bring them to a point where you could talk openly with him with a better understanding of yourself and how you see things.....

the trouble, my dear.... is what do you want, and what do you want to have..... the difference is with the type of future you want with your husband and your female partner.... do you want a monogamous marriage, or a open one where you are shared by the two partners, or do you want to share each other....... and how will that affect you....????

for a romantic natured person, being jealous is something that can come easy even if you have never really been a jealous person, as it sometimes takes a siutation to be unseen emotions to a head, in the same way that your female friend staying with you, brought old ways and feelings to the surface......

your hubby talked about being a third wheel.. and that is understandable..... its not uncommon for people to have the * honeymoon period * where there is just starry eyed adoration and desire, where other people do not factor in.... and it lasts a couple of weeks to a few months, then reality steps in and we realise we have to face the world again and all the responsiblities and issues.......

its awesome that he is so understanding and supportable and instead of trying to force his hand, gave you the room to move and gain a better understanding, so that you and him can learn from it and form a * plan of action *........

personally.... you have end up having to choose between your friendship with the lady and your desire for a monogamous relationship, as your feelings and emotions may run too strong to balance things out... and that is something that is very hard to do..... its never a easy decision or choice to make, but sometimes we have no choice when its our own peace of mind at stake

[Katja]

Darling, your story rang a bell with me for it is has similarities to my own.

When I was in school 6th form I had a relationship with a pretty 16 yo girl which was lovely and satisfying for both of us. I left school, and regretted leaving her, but it was the way of things at boading school. I thought of her quite often but never thought of it as being 'in love' but as a happy rewarding time which I regretted passing.

In time I married and apparently settled down, happily for the most part although as time went on my husbands secretiveness in both his professional and private life began to be an issue, and my own sexuality, which I supressed without undue difficulty at first slowly began to re-emerge.

the catlyst to realc hange and the cause of real difficulties was when the young girl walked back into my life fully grown and stunningly beautiful. There was a feeling of unfinished business which my husband sensed, but insisted I suppressed. I was his and he would share me with no one. His dictates inflamed a desire which was already causing me sleepless nights and the inevitable happened and we stole time together.

When my husband found out there was hell to pay and it cost me a great deal. We separated and divorced but once the damage was done to the marriage this beautiful creature began to change, and we grew more distant. It was as if she was taking vengeance out on me for having abandoned her over half a decade before.

[welickit]

You expressed his feelings and it sounded to me like he wanted to be included.

What you left out is how she felt about him? That is a major consideration in this type of relationship.

[love1234]

I think that after spending time with her in bed you should have went and slept with your husband.

[matutum]

I think that after spending time with her in bed you should have went and slept with your husband.

wow! i can't add to that advice,

[SinCityGal]

Thanks all.... appreciated. Answers and addendums:
1. My husband and friend are both fond of one other-- friendly, nothing more. After her divorce she is not interested in men at all at this time.
2. It is possible he wanted to be included with us, but that isn't something I am sure I wanted, and almost positive she didn't want. Yes, perhaps selfish, but that's the honest answer.
3. I spent 4 hours in her bed; we all went to bed very late and she had an early flight the following morning. Nothing happened in her bed, btw.
4. LDD-- yes, I am romantic over sexual, for sure. But to be honest I've never considered them both on the same 'playing field' with my emotions. My husband comes first, as it should be.
5. We live (perhaps thankfully) cross-country, so visits would have to be pre-planned and discussed well ahead of time.

[Mimmie Cali]

Wow so amazing. I was Lesbian before I met my hubby. I was sleepin around with guys and dating them just to keep family happy (not a good idea!). Then got pregnant and i really did fall in love with my hubby, but i am still more gay than straight. I now consider myself Bi, but really my hubby is the only guy that I can be with and not feel dirty afterwards....
My hubby knows my sexuality and is completely fine with me being with other womyn. He is in no way involved with the other girls. As long as he feels loved and needed by me then our marriage will thive...those are his words.


I think we all have parts of our lives that do not fit the standards. We just need to be completely honest with the ones we are with and the love for those in our lives will never fade....

:2cents::bipride:

[SinCityGal]

I would imagine due to the distance between me and the other woman, as well as the necessity to keep our relationship on a friends-with-benefits level emotionally, I think a 'mostly closed' marriage with occasional sharing of me by her would be ideal. I have no desire to seek out other women. I would expect her to have/seek other female partners when she's not visiting me; while I would probably be slightly jealous, ultimately, what she does on her own time is her choice and isn't any of my business (so long as she keeps it safe). Again, this is all contingent on my husband's willingness to accept this as part of the marriage. He finally admitted today that the 4 hours I spent in her bed the other night made him aroused, so he seems to have done close to a 360 about the idea. With her gone and it being just us again, he now feels more comfortable/secure again. Who knows what might happen with him next time, if there ever is a next time.
Thanks all for your advice/input! (other than the "you should haves" :rolleyes:)